Most Marriage Entanglements Are Really an Identity Problem

Sermon outline

Marriages stay tangled when neither partner has come into their identity in Christ, so return to the Father, let Christ's finished work make you whole, and bring that wholeness into your marriage, your children and the generations after you.

1. The original identity: nothing missing, nothing broken

   God made humans in His image to reign over the earth: by default we were meant to be leaders, not led. Two chapters later the serpent deceived Adam and Eve and they lost that identity. The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, and the first thing he steals is your identity, then he kills your dreams, your visions, your bloodline, your hope and your freedom.

   “We were meant to be leaders. We were never meant to be led.”

   • Genesis 1:26
   • John 10:10

2. Your life is a seed

   Reading 1 Corinthians 15 in the New Living Translation, he notes that a seed must die before it grows, and produces after its kind: you cannot plant apple seeds and expect watermelons. Your whole life, from birth to death, is a seed. Christ sowed an earthly seed for a heavenly reward, restoring us to our original identity, one with the Father.

   “So what you sow in your marriage is what you will reap. What you sow in your conversations is what you will reap.”

   • 1 Corinthians 15:35-49

3. The signs that your identity has been stolen

   He lists the marks of an identity crisis: being self-conscious about what people think; being so sensitive to others' opinions that criticism feels like a stab; a constant sense of rejection, as if everyone in the corner is talking about you; shame; inadequacy, never enough however much you have; and low self-esteem, which the devil uses for anxiety and depression. Christ did not die so you could die every day, but to make you whole, so you come to the Father as a victor, not a victim.

   Illustration: He received many sports awards growing up and always felt ashamed walking up to collect them. And a child walks into the house and straight to the fridge, asking what there is to eat, without pleading with anyone; to a child the answer is yes until it is no.

   “The very first thing he comes to steal is your identity.”

   • Matthew 18:3

4. Pride, and the Father who runs to restore

   Pride is one of the biggest signs of lost identity: it rejects counsel, wants its own way, and is why husbands and wives fight and refuse each other's needs. Adam and Eve, ashamed, sewed fig leaves together, and God asked who told them they were naked. Saying you do not care what people think while a mirror sits in your back pocket is pride. When the prodigal came to his senses he was already being empowered; the father saw him far off, ran with compassion, put the best robe, a ring and shoes on him and threw a celebration: righteousness, authority, purpose and joy restored.

   Illustration: The fig leaves were the first Armani suit, the original Adidas and Nike outfit. And the father put the best clothes on his son without first sending him to the shower, where Pastor Wesley says he would have hosed him down.

   “There is nothing that has happened in your life that God cannot restore, that God cannot forgive.”

   • Genesis 3:7-11
   • Luke 15:11-24

5. Start where you are

   At the burning bush Moses was full of excuses. When God gives a command, He has already empowered you for it; the power comes in the obedience. People say they must sort themselves out before they serve, but in your imperfection God makes you perfect. If God has told you to pray in the morning, quit smoking, eat healthily or get to church on time, do it, and train your children the same way, so they know what to do when you are not there.

   Illustration: Children love the first days of school, then cry when they realise they must work, and parents who take them home soon remember how much they are paying. A parent with an identity crisis takes every teacher's report as victimisation, and the child learns that kicking and screaming works.

   “The power is made available in the obedience.”

   • Exodus 4:10
   • James 1:22
   • Proverbs 22:6

6. Christ paid the price, so stop paying it

   Isaiah saw Christ's face so disfigured He hardly seemed human, His back given to those who struck Him. So why are we still trying to die, to pay penance, saying 'I'm trying'? That is pride that wants to be Christ. Rejection, from the womb, at birth or growing up, steals our joy and fuels our anger, but at the cross you leave it and take on a new identity: Christ in you, the hope of glory.

   “I'm not defined by what people say about me. I'm defined by what the word says about me.”

   • Isaiah 52:14
   • Isaiah 50:6
   • Proverbs 15:13
   • Proverbs 17:22
   • Proverbs 18:14
   • Colossians 1:27

7. Whole people make whole marriages and whole homes

   A whole man can lead his wife because he is not looking for his value in her, and a whole woman is not looking to her husband for her identity; together they are a whole union, and their children are whole. Do not marry a pet project: an unsaved man making excuses now will not change after the wedding. A whole person recognises a whole person. Wholeness is a thankful heart, a sound mind and a peaceable heart, and loving your family through forgotten anniversaries and burnt suppers while still correcting and leading. Put scriptures where you will see them, and break the patterns you see from grandfather to father to you.

   Illustration: Before he married, his father told him, 'Better a prick now than an amputation later.' And a few days before the wedding, when he expected more of his parents, his father told him he could not give what he never had, but that the Holy Spirit would be the father he needed. It took him years to unpack those words.

   “A whole person will identify a whole person, but a person who is broken cannot identify godly.”

   • 2 Corinthians 5:21
   • Romans 8:31
   • James 1:17
   • Psalm 27:1
   • Psalm 91:1-2
   • Genesis 1:26

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